Naturally, God would have to exist to be an asshole, but he’s a fictional asshole nonetheless. Below we’ve outlined 5 reasons that he’s the biggest prick in the known universe. I’m talking, of course, about Yahweh. The Judeo-Christian god as characterized by the Bible.
- God hates homosexuals
Rather, they’re an abomination to him. But he created them, and he created everyone knowing that they’d be who they were. Homosexuality is not something someone can control! Despite this, some more progressive Christians discourage homosexuals from engaging in the act, because, though they can’t change who they are, they can just live an asexual life. Nice going, God. You forcibly withhold a big percentage of humanity from the physical pleasures of sex, unless they want to skip out on heaven! You created us to be prone to everything that will damn us. Who creates something and intentionally sets it up for failure? Is your sense of humor so fucking twisted that this is the only thing that can make you laugh? While us humans are all caring and loving one another (mostly), you’re figuring out ways to slash our proverbial (haha) tires.
- Infinite punishment for finite crimes
Though this may be an expansion of the first point, I can’t go on enough about how much of a fat fuck prick sonofabitch this God of the Bible is! Not believing in him causes your soul to be damned? This is a finite crime. In human discourse, I could steal, say antiques from an antique store. Or money from a cash register. And society commits me to a jail or community service, and everyone agrees that I’ve served my sentence and paid my price. But for something as simple as not believing in God, I’m forever damned to a fiery pit and an eternity of torture (and ass-rape) by Satan. This doesn’t make any sense! Especially since it’s God’s grace that saves us and not our works. I could feed and clothe the poor and live a very good life, but by simply not believing in this douchebag is my one-way economy-class ticket to Satan’s balmy bedchambers. Why doesn’t God just forgive people for their sins, get off his high horse and be a friend to humanity, instead of a self-satisfying dick who requires [constant] praise and prayer to keep his ego nicely inflated?
- God commits genocide and requires sacrifices
A few people in history have committed genocide. Pol Pot, Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Joseph Mobutu (Mobutu Sese Seko), and God. That’s the short list, by the way. In the Book of Joshua, God commands the Israelites to go to Ai and burn the city, hang the king, and kill its 12,000 inhabitants. God rains fire and brimstone down upon Sodom and Gomorrah because of the gays. In Exodus 4:24-26, God threatens to kill Moses because he hadn’t yet circumcised (mutilated) his son. And genocide isn’t enough. He requires sacrifices. It was God who told Abraham to bring his son Isaac to the altar and kill him as a living sacrifice. Again, I think that God’s sense of humor is so twisted that passionate killings and his lust for genocide are of the very few things that deeply satisfy him. Why are you worshiping this hate-mongering piece of refuse anyway?
- God put the fossils here to tempt us
You’ve heard it. I’ve heard it. We’ve all heard this ridiculous proposition. And it doesn’t end there! The same people that tell you that God placed the fossils on earth to tempt us are the same people that also tell you that God created the earth to look older than it actually is. Again, why would a God consciously attempt to deceive us in this way? And why would he do it on such a heavy issue, one which our eternal fate depends upon? If any of this is true, then he’s the biggest asshole in existence. But the most egregious part (I know I like that word) is that Christians make justifications like these for scientific proofs that contradict what the Bible says. Not to mention the contradictions in the Bible itself.
- God seems to favor the free will of rapists and murders
Frequently while debating theists, I’ll ask them why God lets girls get raped and children get molested. The usual response is this non-interventionist idea which goes something like, “Well, God gave us free will.” But it seems to escape them that this evil person who is malevolently raping or molesting his or her victim is actually violating the free will of others. The whole concept of free will is just silly when you try to imagine someone giving that to us and then making commandments, or allowing peoples’ free will to be violated. The free will of a rapists’ victim is compromised, and if God doesn’t intervene, then it’s clear that he favors the free will of the aggressor. Period.
Free will is a real thing. We all do have free will and most all of us have the ability to act on it. But sometimes free will is compromised. It’s possible that I could do something to someone else that prevents their free will from allowing them to act on theirs. In the example above, the rapist ignored their victim’s free will to use his or her own. What’s really terrible is that Christians view God as this loving, benevolent, interventionist being. A Christian can pray to Yahweh and ask for intervention, and he supposedly answers prayers. But a rapist can’t. Oh, that’s right. It’s all a big part of God’s asinine plan.
God’s an asshole. No, he’s the biggest fucking asshole to have ever existed. Nobody could ever aspire to be worse than God.